Bella Swan and Leah Clearwater take over the world
by Alice Cullen's best friend x
Summary: It was all a lie. I never loved Edward. I never hated Leah. Ever since i came to Forks two years ago we've been plotting. Preparing for this day. The day when we; Isabella Marie Swan and Leah Jane Clearwater..will take over the world. / funny not dark
1. Chapter 1: Preface

**This story is written by Moi but the idea came from the fabulous: Goose1998**

**I write this story for her xxx**

**Check out her profile**

**Wooh this story will start as soon as I can be bovd! Which will be soon considering tha crap weather rite now...but 2moz I am goin on a sleepova, next weekend I am going camping in a field party wit my mates, then goin on holiday...but yeh I'll start sometime next week xxx Also at the end of the hols I is having poneage party gona rock wild man!**

**Anyways preface...**

_We turned to face the crowd of awaiting people. Kings and Queens, presidents and Priministers from all over the world. _

"_We are both very happy that you could make it today." Leah stated calmly. _

"_As you all know, there is a serious issue that was left in our hands to be taken care of." I continued. _

"_Now, we have taken in what all have you said in the vote and have made a decision." Leah, again._

"_As Isabella Marie Swan and Leah Jane Clearwater, rulers of the world, we hereby declare that the colours grey, brown and black do no longer exist."_


	2. Chapter 2: All a lie

I snuck into Alice's room. Come on, come on, and come on! I thought as I looked through her room. Aha! Her purses. But which one?

*_half an hour later*_

Finally! I grabbed the card and left the room quickly. Luckily the clothes I was wearing were borrowed from Alice, masking my scent. She would never know I was here. Now, I just needed to phone Leah and this plan could am put into action.

"Hello, make it quick I'm expecting a very important call." Leah's voice called through hurriedly as I walked out of the Cullen house. They had all gone hunting for the day and would never know I came in.

"Oh well then I guess I'll just hang up then."

"BELLA! It's you! Did you get the money?"

"Yep. I took Alice's card to access the Cullen family bank. Edward already told me the pin. He said if I ever wanted anything I could just charge it to that. If only he knew how eager I was to take him up on that. You?"

"Done. As you know La Push isn't the richest place but with the pack mind I knew everyone's pins and hiding places for cash. I pretty much wiped out the whole of La Push."

"Good. Ok. Where now?"

"Meet me at Seattle. Outside New Look, I want to get some hot clothes before we go."

"Oooh! Me too! Do you know, yesterday I saw the most totally awesome...drum roll...snow white costume!"

"OMG I have to get one! Wait, I'll get the Cinderella one. Anyway, focus. So after we get some cool outfits and stuff, we go to the alley behind Blockbusters. That's where the real shit is."

"Do they have what we need?"

"Yup."

"Is it expensive?"

"DUH BELLA! This is top shit here. Wipe out an entire species! We're getting the best and most badass squirty guns they have."

"Perfect. But there _will _be heavily loaded guards everywhere. We'll have to get protection."

"Don't worry. I know the perfect thing. Meet me in Seattle in 30."

"Gotcha. Bye."

"Bye."

Beeeep.

Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep. As I pressed the digits.

Bring Bring, Bring Bring.

"Hello?" Leah answered again.

"I forgot."

"Yeah Bella?"

"I love you."

"Wuv u 2 babe."

"Bye."

"Bye."

I met Leah in Seattle half an hour later and we got out stuff from New Look. Then we changed into the proper sneaking gear...fluorescent pants and jackets. We shifted around the wall and looked around frantically as we edged into the alleyway.

"Alejandro!" **(Sorry but lol lady gaga!) **Leah whispered into the dark while looking around.

"Don't call my name; don't call my name, Alejandro..." I began to sing but stopped when a huge man walked out. I pissed myself. He was HUGE. Way bigger than any of the wolves and Emmett. He had tattoos everywhere and was carrying a briefcase.

"Do you have the stuff?" I asked, trying to sound like one of those cool spy people.

"Do you have the ducks?" The man said in a gruff voice.

"Yes." Leah replied opening our own briefcase full of rubber ducks we bought with the money we stole. There were 500 000 ducks in total. You need that many to pay for the shit we were getting.

The man opened his own briefcase to reveal squirty guns of all different sizes.

"You got your pistol, your water balloon launcher, your super soaker, and, the most dangerous of all...the three-four five hundred missile water splasher 6000. I don't know what you guys are planning but it must be pretty bad ass to need that."

"Good. One, two, three." We swapped briefcases and walked away.

"Defence?" I asked Leah as we came back out.

"We have the latest. Come on, we have to go to a worse place. We're going to Hogwarts School for young assassins."

My eyes widened. We did need this stuff for what we planned.

When we knocked on the door we were met by Harry Potter and his new girlfriend from St. Trinians; Annabelle Fritton.

"This is gonna cost ya." Harry Potter said.

"We brought the cash now give us our shield."

"How much?"

"700 000 dollars."

"Good. Now here is your shield."

I waited anxiously to see what our protection would be.

5 minutes later Harry returned with a pillow and something on it. When you looked closer you could see it was a...cat?

No. Not just any cat. It was _the _cat. Fluffy Mc Muffin Marshmallow Volturi Smith. **(Inside joke. I find it funny because that is MY cat and he is a beast and we joke about stuff like this even though he's kind of retarded (literally! Not being mean) But yeah so he is a sexy beast picture on profile. Soon.)**

He is the most dangerous cat in the world. Owned by the infamous Pat Mahiney top assassin. **(Not really my name lol. Mention in the next chapter if you get that name. Also if you say something nice about fluffy you get a mention. Especially if you look at the picture and say he's cute.)**

I felt honoured in his presence.

The truth is I never really loved Edward. When I first came to Forks I met Leah. That's when we became best friends and put our plan into action. I was only with Edward because he was rich. I was _using _him. (Although the kisses were a tasty bonus )When he left me it really didn't help but I had to be so sad to do this right. Plus it was useful to familiarize myself with the Volturi. Whenever I went to go and see Jacob, who really was my BBF (Boy Best Friend ) and a great excuse to stop with the moaning, it was hard not to run up and hug Leah. The only way we could talk was on the phone. The werewolf thing helps our chances too.

Anyway, so it was all a lie.

I never loved Edward.

I never hated Leah.

Ever since I arrived in Forks we had been plotting.

To take over the world.


	3. Chapter 3: The Volturi

**Ugh so sorry! I know its been ages and I know I said id give mentions to those people but someoooone deleted all my emails so I didn't get my reviews **** sowwy! Wow I've got a lot going on but its no excuse so meh**

BPOV

We took fluffy and left the building. We had the perfect plan. First of all we would take down the Volturi. Then, all that would be left was the _humans. _Oh, well and the werewolves, fairies, and demented sheep but apart from THEM...just the _humans._

"What's the plan ma homeeey?" Leah asked once we had left Hogwarts.

".Hm. We go straight in. Those stupid mother fuckers are going down. We'll dress up as their food so we can sneak in. The next 'tour guide' is in six hours. I bought the fish and chips costumes last week."

"How do you know that's the food they have delivered?"

"It's obvious. Who doesn't like fish and chips?"

"Yeah, right. Ok, I'll be the chips and you can be the fish." Leah said. "Once we get in, we'll whip out our squirty guns and do that thing they do in the movies you know what I mean?"

"Yeah I get that. And then...we make them work."

"Got it."

"Wait..." I stopped.

"What now Bella?"

"Transport?"

"The best."

And she was right. We arrived at the car centre thing to find a top of the range red car. The kind that was so exclusive that only 3 year olds have them. They were so good they had those holes in the bottom so you use your feet to make it go!

**4 months later**

We were there. After brutal travelling we finally made it to Volterra. Looking back I could still easily see the car centre right next door. Yep, it was a long journey. Of course, we were now in our costumes and were in the tour guide with the other food being shipped in. And wow did they have a variety! There was Chinese Food, Italian, British, Indian, and Mexican... **(Lol they're people by the way!)**

The castle was...a bit dull. I exchanged a look with Leah and knew she was thinking the same thing. This place would need a total makeover. Of course, it would all be pink, with flowers and fluffy things! And the rules would have to change too...It will soon be against the law to NOT go shopping at least twice a day, and spend at least $50!

Anyway, the squirty guns and fluffy were hidden in our costumes so we were ok. We got into a huge room and the Volturi members looked at us strangely before digging into their food. One, I think it was Felix...is he part cat?

Lunged for Lee-Lee, so she phased wolf and whipped his ass. By now everyone else was dead and the Volturi were screaming in terror.

"Ohmygawd!"

"That's right!" I said loudly, laughing at them cowering in the corner as Leah phased back.

"What are we doing? Two girls, against all of us?" Said Marcus.

"But no." Said Leah. "We have a secret weapon." On cue Fluffy came out and ripped his face off.

"Na-na-na-na-na!"

I took that moment to whip out one of the guns.

"Now everybody down! Do exactly as we say or die."

They did as we asked.

"What do you want from us! Tickle!" Said Janey. She would be useful. She could make anyone feel really ticklish.

"Dance...fucker...dance."

Then we turned on the music.

Show me how to lie  
You're getting better all the time  
And turning all against the one  
Is an art that's hard to teach  
Another clever word  
Sets off an unsuspecting herd  
And as you step back into line  
A mob jumps to their feet

Now dance fucker dance  
Man he never had a chance  
And no one even knew  
It was really only you

And now you steal away  
Take him out today  
Nice work you did  
You're gonna go far, kid

With a thousand lies  
And a good disguise  
Hit 'em right between the eyes  
Hit 'em right between the eyes  
When you walk away  
Nothing more to say  
See the lightning in your eyes  
See 'em running for their lives

Slowly out of line  
And drifting closer in your sights  
So play it out I'm wide awake  
It's a scene about me  
There's something in your way  
And now someone is gonna pay  
And if you can't get what you want  
Well it's all because of me

Now dance, fucker, dance  
Man, I never had a chance  
And no one even knew  
It was really only you

And now you'll lead the way  
Show the light of day  
Nice work you did  
You're gonna go far, kid  
Trust, deceived!

With a thousand lies  
And a good disguise  
Hit 'em right between the eyes  
Hit 'em right between the eyes  
When you walk away  
Nothing more to say  
See the lightning in your eyes  
See 'em running for their lives

Now dance, fucker, dance  
He never had a chance  
And no one even knew  
It was really only you

So dance, fucker, dance  
I never had a chance  
It was really only you

With a thousand lies  
And a good disguise  
Hit 'em right between the eyes  
Hit 'em right between the eyes  
When you walk away  
Nothing more to say  
See the lightning in your eyes  
See 'em running for their lives

Clever alibis  
Lord of the flies  
Hit 'em right between the eyes  
Hit 'em right between the eyes  
When you walk away  
Nothing more to say  
See the lightning in your eyes  
See 'em running for their lives

**(You're gonna go far kid by the offspring. Really should listen it's great song.)**

"NOW DANCE FUCKER DANCE!"

They all started shuffling around randomly and some even looked like they wanted to cry. Ha ha fail they can't cry.

"Now you little weaklings, unless you want to be mauled by a fluffy, or super soaked, we want to take over the Volturi."

"You're bluffing." Said Aro, although it was obvious he was doubtful.

"Ok." Said Leah, as she soaked him.

"Nooooo!" He screamed in terror. "I'm meltiiing!"

"Anyone else?"

When they shook their heads we gave orders.

"Ok, tickle girl you're coming with us to help us defeat the humans. Alec, you can come to as you can remove all 5 senses. And ugh, Chelsea I guess you can come to and break all the bonds they have to each other and also Didyme, you can make them happy so that will be useful."

Leah continued.

"Marcus and Caius, you are in charge of spreading the news of our leadership and informing them that all vampires now have to wear fangs to look more vampire-like."

"But.."

Leah silenced him and continued.

"The rest of you can do whatever."

"Masters..." Marcus interrupted.

"There are rule breakers to be dealt with."

With that 4 vampires walked into the room. I ordered the first one to stand up and began my interigation.

"NAME!"

"Hansel"

"HOWS GRETEL?"

"What?"

"HOWS GRETEL?"

"I don't know a Gretel!"

"HOWS GRETEL?"

"Um...good."

"WHAT DID YOU DO?"

"I...went on a killing spree through London and nearly exposed us."

"HMM...WELL...WHAT WERE YOU'RE REASONS BOY! DO YOU HATE SOCIETY? ARE YOU A RACIST? OR WORSE...A JEW? **(NOTHING AGAINST JEWS I JUST DO THAT ABOUT EVERYBODY)**"

"N...no. I, I was hungry."

"Oh well then I can totally relate! You're free to go!"

He started to leave when Leah stoppe him.

"Remember, it's better to eat too much than too little so make sure you're absolutely full before you stop! And be sure to have a balanced diet! Fat people, skinny people, runners, swimmers, wrestlers and lesbians!"

He nodded and left, looking really shocked.

"Next!"


End file.
